Last night I spoke to a coach-in-training who was feeling insecure.
She had been a lawyer before embarking on this new path, getting paid big bucks to give advice.
Now, she was having to unlearn all of that. Coaches, you see, don’t give advice. We use powerful questions to invoke wisdom from within the client.
It’s all about partnership over hierarchy, curiosity and intuition over expertise, personal responsibility over rulings, settlements and adjudication.
In coach training, she’s gotta learn new skills in front of other people and some are picking up on things faster than her.
So she is feeling insecure.
And because of it, she’s thinking she might be failing at this whole coaching thing. She might not be a fit for coaching. She might have been a fool for even trying.
I asked her to sit with the feeling of insecurity. Just be with it. As a compassionate friend. Maybe wish it well. Send it some love. Give it space to just be there without tryng to change it or make it wrong.
After all, isn’t it normal to feel insecure under the circumstances? Who wouldn’t?
In fact I’d be pretty shocked if this former lawyer turned coach-in-training wasn’t feeling extremely insecure.
Imagine this former lawyer turned coach-in-training were a friend who had come to you for encouragement. What would you say to her? My guess is you might give her a hug or offer her a glass of wine or tell her to keep going.
I highly doubt you would tell her she might be failing at this whole coaching thing or that she might not be a fit for coaching or that she might have been a fool for even trying.
So why, then, do we talk to ourselves like that?
Here’s what I think…
I think we are so fucking afraid to just sit with the feeling of insecurity, to actually feel it, the fluttering, pit of the stomach, want to crawl out of the skin hot mess of it, that we would rather lie to ourselves.
We would rather make up a story about failing, not being a fit, being a fool to think we were good enough so we can then hide behind this story so that we don’t ever have to feel the feeling AGAIN.
Isn’t that crazy?!?!
But this is what we do.
Instead of feeling feelings, we go into our heads. We believe lies about ourselves. It might be some other variation for you. Maybe, for you, it’s “I’m too lazy.” Or “I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m too old.”
“I’m too fat.”
“I have no support.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“I’m too weird to get what I want.”
Lies. Lies. Lies.
That you believe to hide from feeling your feelings.
I’ve got a suggestion…
What if instead of lying, you just sat with the feeling? What if you, like, allowed yourself to feel afraid, intimidated, unworthy, sad, frustrated, annoyed, jealous, anxious, terrified, enraged, or whatever feeling you are avoiding? Without making up any stories about it?
What if you just sat in that uncomfortable stew and actually felt it and watched yourself do it while you simultaneously sent yourself love?
That’s some quantum shit right there.
And then, what if you just kept on going? And then the next time you had an uncomfortable feeling come up, instead of lying to yourself, you did it all over again, and again and again?
How would your life be different?
What kind of person could you be?
What would you learn about your strength, courage and resilience?
Try it. I double dog dare you.
Because I’ll tell you this much my friend, you’re not a failure unless you choose to believe that about yourself, you are 100 percent worthy of whatever it is your weirdo heart desires, you might be awkward AF when you first start out, and most of the time there will be someone who does it better (you don’t have to like it).
This is life. Not all butterflies and rainbows and unicorns damnit.
So stop lying, feel your feelings, give yourself some love while you do it, and move the fuck on.
P.S. I’ve got a few 1:1 spots open for coaches (or coaches in training) who are looking for mentoring. Uplevel your skills. Feel more confident. Grow your biz. Help more peeps. DM me or shoot me an email.
Love this and feel all of the sentiments in this post so much Amy! I’ve been sloooowly plotting along telling myself someday I’m going to have a successful coaching business and getting caught up in the fear of making it all happen. Time to layer on the “simultaneously sending myself love” part on top of just sitting with uncomfortable stuff.
Yes! You’ve got this Gina!