I haven’t written in weeks.
Honestly I haven’t because I’m not feeling helpful or inspiring. 2020 and early 2021 have humbled me. If the past thirteen odd months have shown me anything, these months have shown me that I don’t know shit.
It’s unsettling to not know shit.
Knowing things feels stable, predictable, and comforting.
So instead of writing to my community….
My desire to know shit has led me down strange bunny holes, sometimes empowering often unsettling.
All in the hopes that if I could know more, I would feel safe. I would feel better about being an American.
Sometimes it’s helpful to know things. And sometimes it’s a desperate attempt to find a solid place to land in an extremely topsy turvy time.
Being on a side means certainty, predictability, community but it also means not being on the other side.
And to maintain the sense of comfort and control that comes from being on a side, it means turning away from the other, finding the places to blame or shame or reject.
And I’m not about that.
I know enough about the shadow to understand that anytime we stand secure in our own righteousness enough to find fault with the other, we are really just hiding what we reject about ourselves.
I would rather look for some common places to stand.
And that means I have to live in and get more comfortable with the in between spaces where I have the freedom to be myself and see from all angles and not know shit.
I like the humanity of it. I like the vulnerability that is there, the willingness to be wrong and the commitment to be open.
Sometimes though I am alarmed all over again at the vastness of just how much shit I don’t know… and I feel so lost.
So I turn to Spirit.
I study A Course in Miracles.
And I find joy in the moment.
I do art.
Or I get lost in beauty and the senses.
I paint my nails (and match the color to my shirt).
Buy some flowers.
Put on some perfume.
Or I take a 1:1 gummy.
For the time being I’m called to write about real shit, personal struggles, the trivial and maybe even the sacred.
I want to be a human on the page without the self-imposed pressure to be helpful or inspirational.
So that’s what I’ll do.
Here are some things I’m thinking of writing about:
Home school fuck ups,
My daughter’s therapist,
Reading with my ten-year-old,
Being too direct,
Thoughts about sex,
Ways I get triggered (nosy neighbors, things my husband says, when my kids are slobs, mean fucking people),
Attachment to outcome,
My struggle with impulse control,
I don’t have jack shit I want to teach about any of these. I just want to write my experience. One human to another. And maybe vent.
You have been warned. (And there will be cursing.)
So what do you think?
What do you want to hear about first?
Damn, Amy, I’m thinking you hit a helluva lota nerves here, and I’ll bet there isn’t one person on your list who isn’t resonating with what you’ve written!
On the one hand, I’m hating the way our entire world has been turned inside out. On the other hand, the whole pandemic situation has made me move my lazy ass and forced me to stop hiding from the people who can’t see me. I’m feeling pressured to start showing up on IG, and it scares the bejeezus out of me because I’m afraid what I have to offer won’t be needed by anyone who happens to stumble to my feed. I don’t know a whole lot about IG and how to appear there.
And on the third hand, I have been blessed by other coaches like you who have stepped into their vulnerability and shown just how strong they are.
You write about whatever you feel like writing about (that’s a damn fine list btw) and your followers will write you back because we know a kindred spirit when we see one.
Write on…bitch on…rant on, we’re with you.
Ways you get triggered
Love your vulnerability to get REAL with not only your tribe…but with YOURSELF on the stuff that REALLY matters…to you!
Firstly, I did not subscribe to your blog and am unsure how I got subscribed.
Secondly, I like it.
Thirdly, I agree with Jacqui on Ways you get triggered, quite frankly the fact it was on the list twice triggered me.
Forth, Diane get yourself on IG … fuck what people think and just assume that’s their attitude towards you, as well, it makes things so much easier.
Ya know, like I don’t care what you think , you don’t care what I think, let’s be friends kind of thing. The dark side might call that simple respect.
Fifth, I don’t know shit either.
Sixth, I am beyond not caring if I get cancelled from this community, already.
Thanks for hearing me out, I was triggered, after all!
Life is hard right now. All the best and much Love to you!!
First off I have missed you… you have an incredible ability to make things that seem impossible be easy. I think the entire planet is getting a chance to experience a free fall of ‘not knowing’. We don’t know if we will get sick, find a hospital and then die or maybe live with decreased capacity to fully participate. I have lived through losing four family members unexpectedly (not from the virus) including my 22-year old son. With each person I had just seen them and they were healthy, happy, fully functioning and then poof. I want you to know when you finally realize that no matter how rich you are, how smart you are, how nice you are, how busy you are, etc.– life is unpredictable and tenuous. If someone told a new Mom that her gorgeous child could die– which is logical and true– then you might not want to move forward with making babies. I have changed my entire coaching/consulting practice to work with women to create an end-of-life plan; just-in-case. The plan includes legal, financial, last wishes and legacy planning. Only 3 out of 10 Americans have a completed estate plan. No one wants to think about dying, the end or whatever. I never asked to become an expert on this but it has happened and I have become braver, stronger and more resilient. This virus has let us know that we are very fragile and precious beings with so many vulnerabilities and so much light to share while we are here. Bless you Amy for helping us all go deeper and notice more in our journey to be here now.
“The universe is not going to see anyone else like you in the whole history of creation. It is up to you to become a letter, a word, a page in the book of human history.” ~Vartan Gregorian
Thank you Amy for allowing yourself to “be human” and therefore allowing all of us reading to be, with what we perceive as imperfections, also.
I bet if everyone is totally honest, we all relate to having fears, doubts, triggers etc.
Since I love cats, I’d love to hear more about yours and whatever antics it gets up to (especially when you are attempting to sleep…or is only me who gets frequent disturbances at night?)
I am also fascinated with hearing any stories about spiritual experiences and UFO sightings so those topics particularly appeal to me.
I send encouragement – to you plus all readers – to remain courageous in these weird times. Congrats on your refreshing honesty. Love from Jenni in Australia
you hit the nail on the head, as sooo many times before, I love your honesty your sense of humor, and just wanted to let you know you are a huge inspiration …..
You were the reason I’m almost 4 years sober now and happier than I’ve ever been before…
I read your blog by chance back in January 2016 ( I think it was called: what I learned from not drinking for 6 months or something like that…)
keep on being YOU…
I realized the other day – I missed you in my inbox!
I love your honesty as well. We all struggle and I don’t think we will
ever get there 😉 where ever there is! Your honesty is always refreshing.
Thoughts about being too direct. Astrology -home school fuck-ups!
I have 12 year old twins and we’ve had them.
Reading Lissa Rankin online has helped me live in the paradoxes too.