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Being Seen

Last week I posted to my blog after a year-long hiatus.

In true form, I shared a lot of myself. It’s interesting, the me of 2017 was much more willing to do these things. But the me of 2023 feels so much more deeply. There are so many feels. There is self-doubt. There is fear. Well, mostly those two. But they huuuurrrrt. Amy 2023 is so tender.

It has taken more courage to be seen than ever before.

After posting to Facebook, I left to pick up a kid. On the way out to the car I looked up at the night sky and I said, “I need a sign that what I did was in alignment with my divine purpose.” I continued to watch the night sky for a minute or two, I guess hoping for a shooting star or maybe an unidentified flying object?


I got in the car and drove to the middle school.

Along the drive, I filled with appreciation for my friend Amy who posted a sweet comment under my Facebook post. In the parking lot, I got out my phone and texted her a thank you.

This gave me an idea. I’ll text some other friends for moral support. Ask them to say something nice under my post like Amy had.

I searched up a group text that was already there from a previous convo and used it to send out my appeal.

A few seconds later l got a text from a group of moms who had been texting back and forth about a birthday party my son had been invited to. Wait, I thought, had I accidentally sent my text to this group???  These moms didn’t know me from Janet. Had I just sent them a request to post an encouraging comment under my Facebook post???

My. Tender. Heart. Stopped.

I checked again. Oh, thank God no. It was just a coincidence.

Still, I hadn’t heard back from any friends.

So in the space of about five minutes, I had a near panic attack followed by a vulnerability hangover on top of the vulnerability hangover I already had after posting to the blog. An open faced vulnerability hangover sandwich.

At the realization of this double vulnerability hangover, I burst into full-on crocodile tears in the car and worried that my daughter would come in from Volleyball to find me inexplicably sobbing. Still, there was a part of me who observed the part of me who was releasing all this sadness, not fully understanding why such big emotions. And that part of me was so fascinated she took a photo of herself (see above) and had the thought, “hmm maybe I could write about this.”

Around that time I looked down at my phone, made a mental note to put that birthday party into the cal, and checked to see if any of my slacker friends had texted me back or posted on the blog.

As I fiddled with my phone, I said to myself out loud: “I notice myself having a bit of a meltdown over this blog post and I’m feeling really anxious and it is what it is.” Because I’m in the habit of narrating my life.

Then I noticed another text.

It was from my husband Ron.  “INCREDIBLE BLOG POST!!” Sent around the time I would have been looking up at the night sky.

I texted him back: “Marcee, you are the shit,” because we share a secret language made up of Jerry McGuire quotes. Translation: You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that, thank you.

And I realized, vulnerability hangover or not, magic happens when you do things from a place of love.

And I stopped putting energetic pressure on my friends to validate me. Then I wrote this post and had a good laugh at myself.


I don’t know about you, but 2022 was a year of whiplash and vertigo, great highs and low lows. Disappointment. Joy. Everything else in between. Somebody smart once said that “all great things are proceeded by chaos.” Well, say what you will about chaos, I find it fertile ground for perspective shifts and insight. 2022 did not disappoint. Here are a few of my aha moments from last year…

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Words Matter

Just finished “A Swim in the Pond in the Rain: In Which Four Russians Give a Master Class on Writing, Reading and Life” by George Saunders. One of my favorite reads of all time. Saunders offers a series of short stories by Russian icons –Chekhov and... read more

Rainbows and UFO Disclosure

“Imagine you are looking at a rainbow.” It was a Saturday night and I was lying on my bed listening to Srikumar Rao talk about happiness. “You don’t say to yourself, ‘that’s a beautiful rainbow but it needs a little more color or it needs to be closer to that... read more

Desire and Contentment

The photo above is my beautiful daughter taken at a mystical spot on Mount Shasta on her thirteenth birthday. The photo was taken by Paul of Venus. Years ago I learned a prayer from the teachings of Paramahansa Yogananda. It goes like this: Please guide me from... read more

I don’t know

Hey. I haven’t written in weeks. Honestly I haven’t because I’m not feeling helpful or inspiring. 2020 and early 2021 have humbled me. If the past thirteen odd months have shown me anything, these months have shown me that I don’t know shit. It’s unsettling to not... read more

“I love you.”

“I love you.” I’m trying to get my kids to tell themselves “I love you,” every time they see themselves in the mirror. They are twelve and ten now, so they roll their eyes at me. In the entry there is a giant mirror. Joy does cartwheels in front of it. Now she makes a... read more


I used to want to be so many things. I called it ambition. At first I was apologetic for this ambition. Then I learned to embrace it. To be proud of it. I wanted to be a millionaire, to speak on big stages, to be fluent in five languages, to lose ten pounds, to solve... read more


Lots of things got cancelled this year, parties, sports, performances… and people. A few months ago, for example, a friend posted something on FB that triggered me. It was shortly after the Almeda fire. My family was nearly evacuated. Friends lost their homes. Two... read more

Trivial Things

Yesterday I spent most of the morning tinkering around the house. I did a little laundry, I fixed a nutcracker, ordered a shower cap from amazon. You know, trivial things. I can’t even remember what the hell I did for two hours… You know what else? I loved it. I made... read more