I am thinking a lot about pretty.
All my life, I have aspired to be seen as acceptable in your eyes.
“Don’t you look pretty?” You would say and I would think to myself, I passed. I have successfully maintained the correct weight, applied the right combination of make-up, shaped my hair and chose clothing that has qualified me to be loveable.
Beautiful, pretty, hot, gorgeous… This label has been the carrot that I have perpetually chased.
Love has been a race.
Fasting, restricting, injecting, dying, plucking, tinting, shadowing, highlighting, blow drying, straightening, curling, squatting, lifting, painting, applying.
The older I get the faster I must go.
Sitting in a chair for precious hours. Hours that could be spent writing, growing, creating, loving.
All so I can qualify as a 47 years old “beauty.”
A mother someone would like to fuck.
I have given away my time.
I have given away my money.
I have given away my ability to source worth from the core of WHO I AM.
For years I have believed myself to be an empty vessel only to be filled by the approval of those I love the most IF, and only if, I successfully live up to THE fantasy.
I have given myself over to standards that were never mine. Standards shaped by a culture that wants to profit from my disconnection with the core of myself. Standards that require me to run ever faster and work ever harder the older and wiser I become.
How ironic.
You tricked me into thinking I had to run.
But you can have your carrot.
I am not yours.
This is my body.
My hair.
My face.
I gave it to you.
But I am taking it back.
It is all for me.
If you like it, fine.
If you don’t, I guess we will see if the love was really ever love. Or if it was only ever a fantasy.
I am no longer your princess, your beauty queen, your girl next door.
I don’t care if you think I’m pretty or beautiful, hot or gorgeous.
I am mine to do with as I please. To embellish exactly how and if I desire to do so.
The love was always mine. I just didn’t understand that.
I will see myself through my own eyes now.
I am not a fantasy. I am flesh and bones and pure potential.
I know what is true.
I am beautiful at my core.
Amy,
I shaved my head for the first time in August and have never regretted it for a second! The freedom (from so many things) is amazing! Yay for you for making this decision and I hope you love it as much as I do…I have kept it shaved since I did it!
Yay! So great to hear! Thank you Sarah!!
Hey there Amy, I admire your courage to cut your hair, and claim yourself.
But is it the way to do so, and why? You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Or go through that far.
Yes you are beautiful loveble and honestly yes your that mom someone would love to nail down as you say it (f…….k) the exact word. But my dear what the heck are you doing and really why?
Remember you are that Brazen and suppose to stay that way.
Don’t be political correct doing something that is not You.
The beauty of a women is her Hair not the reverse onless you want people to confuse you to a cancer patient or a women who is going through keemo therapy.
That’s my opinion.
You awesome, smart, beautiful I wish I could see you and tell you that in person. You are that mom some would like to fuck is it, why then try to scare them away?
Best and keep Brazen
This will liberate you in ways you can’t even conceive of Amy! A breast cancer diagnosis on Dec 26, 2019 led to shaving my head pre-chemo—on Jan 5, 2020. I LOVE IT! I had long ago embraced my gray and had salt and pepper before cancer. And on June 5, 2020 I opted to be flat and fabulous with a double mastectomy, no reconstruction. It’s a very personal decision, but when I really understood just how society’s pressures drive the extremely difficult breast reconstruction process, I was appalled. No, I will
not abuse my body for society’s rules!
This will be a game changer for you! Way to claim what is yours—a strong sense of self!
Thank you for sharing your experience. POWERFUL.
I shaved My head down to 1/4 inches when I was 24. Could feel the breeze when I rode a bike. It was awesome. It was a powerful statement then and cleared the path for who I have become. I support Your move!
I love how vulnerable yet fiercely strong you are being at the same time. F*ck chasing pretty. But you are a beautiful soul!
I just love you Maggie. Thank you.
Good for you Amy!! All women should appreciate themselves, but we don’t. Thst is unfortunate!! I applaud your decision to be free and be yourself
Thank you Diane xoxo
I’m excited to hear about the revelations that flow from shaving your head. It feels like an initiation into a new phase of life. Sending buckets of moral support!
I agree! Thank you!
You are beautiful to the core of your being, Amy Pearson. you have NEVER had to “chase pretty!” As a recovering Performer/Approval addict I support the choices you make that feel good to you and light up your Heart!
Thank you Colleen!
Wow, Amy!
I have admired your writing and your rawness and honesty from afar and this latest post has prompted me to write. I fully support you and your decision to shave your head or do whatever else you please. I had a shaved head at one time and got more compliments on it than I ever did my hair. I’ve stopped getting botox. I’ve stopped getting my nails done and have embraced wash and go hair and wearing what is comfortable, which consists of Spanx tights and black t-shirts mostly.
It’s crazy that I had to get into my 40s to find that freedom, but I’m glad I did. Hopefully, we can be the way-showers for the younger generation that they don’t have to fit into society’s beauty standards and can love themselves just as they are.
Cheers to you!!
I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment Lorna! I hope so too!
I think this will be a very powerful way for you to claim back your own identity Amy, whether you choose to keep it shaved or not (winter might not be so nice, which it is here in Australia..brrr). When younger I had very long, thick, lustrous, strong hair which drew many compliments. Over time I have elected to have it chopped shorter and shorter for my convenience. A few people do not like it – I do not care one jot and don’t regret it either. I also abandoned wearing makeup when going out (maybe do wear a tiny bit about 5 times a year when I feel like it). Quite often I do not wear bras even if out walking in public, and I choose only comfortable, loose, easy (99% very old or 2nd hand) clothes . It is so liberating to be completely unconcerned with what others think! I think people hide behind hair too much. It irritates me when people have it hanging over their eyes or constantly fiddle with it. I am sure you will love the feel of the new ‘do’.
Thank you Jenni. I love wearing makeup but I have never liked fiddling with my hair. We will see. I appreciate your support.
Wow, Amy! And to think of how proud I am of myself when I leave the house without makeup or take the dog out in my pajamas (in my own yard). My life’s goal is to do as I please without seeking permission or approval. You are obviously much farther along that path than I. Thanks for the inspiration.
I’m sending this to every woman I love!!!!!
“Love has been a race.
Fasting, restricting, injecting, dying, plucking, tinting, shadowing, highlighting, blow drying, straightening, curling, squatting, lifting, painting, applying.
The older I get the faster I must go.
Sitting in a chair for precious hours. Hours that could be spent writing, growing, creating, loving.”
Thank you for the dose of divine feminine empowerment.
I feel a Movement brewing!
YES! YES! YES!
I would never shave my head! But when I have pass by a woman in real life who has, in my 49 years, I have always been super impressed. What power! So just go out there and rock it, girl! I’m so proud of you. I, myself, have been judged by my looks my whole life. As a mixed girl, my looks don’t fit into anyone’s version of what I should look like. This includes my family. I could never measure up to me sisters, who are lighter skinned than I am. I was always too dark or too light, my hair too curly or too straight or not straight enough, too long or not long enough. I was too thin and didn’t eat enough…I hopped off the hamster wheel of other people’s opinions and simply choose what I wanted!!! I refused to be driven crazy trying to please all these people, who all had a different opinion! I allowed America to tell me my curly hair was somehow inferior. No more. I am learning to wear my natural hair proudly and hold my head high!
I love it Pixi. Thank you for sharing. You be your own kind of beautiful and I will too!
My brother recently posted pics of us as kids with buzz cuts, and I thought of going back to that – maybe not to the bone though. lol Just sitting and feeling into what that would be like is a trip of sorts… I’m sure it will give you further insights into the approval/disapproval interface of life. It already has. One thing won’t change – the beauty of your magnificent soul…
Yes it will be a trip! Stay tuned and thank you for those kind words David!
I support you, Amy, and can really relate to what you wrote about giving away your power to what everyone thinks of you and the constant striving for beauty, approval and lovability! I applaud your courage. I’m 50 and finally learn to love myself and show up for myself.
Thank you Angie. I can feel your the support. xoxo
Good for you! I decided to go gray last august. It’s been awesome to see what I look like with my natural stylist doing my hair- me!
Nice!
Sending you love, holding your hand if you need it, high-fiving you for your words and actions – generally, showing up and holding space for you and with you. Virtually and in my mask, obviously.
Love it, thank you.
Congrats Amy on taking a step that you have chosen to free yourself from external cultural expectations. I have certainly mourned the loss of my funky asymmetrical bleached hair during the pandemic and have grown in a 1960’s ‘do’ complete with hair band. It ages me but that doesn’t matter, it’s that it doesn’t reflect who I am. So for me, getting my hair done again is
my statement of freedom. Yours is cutting it off. Vive le difference! You go girl!!!!
absolutely!
Amy, you are an unbelievable badass.
And WayFinder.
THANK YOU. HEART FULL.
Thanks Amy!
So proud of you for freeing yourself .
I just nodded and nodded and nodded In agreement .
So many wasted hours and money and worries for the expectations of who??
Bravo . You are also giving a great example and empowering the next generation of women .
Isnt it men who run the beauty industry?
We are more than our bodies! No one has ever seen a model in a care home, if we are lucky enough to live long lives I sure hope we’ve built more depth than just what’s skin deep .
Thanks for your insight . I will be sharing this with all the women in my life. ?
HI Amy! You go, Girl! I shaved my head 2 years ago because I had to after my first chemo. I actually had a hair-shaving party and was overwhelmed to see that 13 people in my community shaved their heads along with me! I cried my way through it–not because of cancer–but because I couldn’t bare to see myself bald, AND because I couldn’t believe others were willing to! How beautiful was that??
I wouldn’t look in a mirror for the next 24 hours, but eventually I got used to seeing myself, first with a buzz cut, then bald, then as my newly-grown peach fuzz resembled the softness of a baby chick. And I learned to LOVE it all. It was liberating, and it saved me oh, so much time getting ready for work! I learned to rock my head bands and a stylish wig that was a clone of my original haircut, but I most enjoyed throwing them off, much like I do my bra, at the end of a day!
You’ve got this.
How beautiful Katie! I remember shaving my mother’s head when she had cancer. And now I see her strength in my reflection. xoxo
I’m late to the party as you have already shaved the head. My work hours are to blame. As a father of
two daughters I applaud your intent as it pains me to see how far they will go to be noticed. My daughters are natural beauties, a father’s bias, but a multi-billion dollar industry has convinced them and others that super natural is the way to go. It is expensive and unnecessary as beauty is within, as you and others have discovered. But, those are just words. The sooner I can get my girls to believe it
the better job I will have done as a father. Thanks for providing an example Amy and best of luck to you.